Hello Old Friend!

Let's take a moment here and reflect, shall we? I can't tell you how much has changed since I last wrote on this blog. Quite honestly, I forgot I even started it. I was going through some old emails and working on my classroom website when I stumbled across this, crazy I know. The funny thing is rereading this old blog and seeing how unhappy I was made me almost feel sorry for the me that wrote those words almost 5 years ago. Let me update you little on my life, and then I'll explain why I came back to this blog.

 When we last left off in September of 2010 I was trying desperately to reach my goal weight, I was quite literally weighing myself every day and contemplating everything I put in my mouth. That's no way to live. So my sister had JUST gotten married a few days before my last posts and I have to admit, that threw me for a loop. To see my sister standing in front of friends and family dressed in all white, and marrying the man of her dreams, well that was a ball of emotions. Don't get me wrong I was so happy for her, but you know when you see other people's happiness and get kind of jealous or sad about your own life, well that happened. I saw her having everything I always knew I wanted and it was hard to know that she was starting a new life, and everything I had known for the last two years was going away. I decided if I wanted this life, I needed a boyfriend and I needed one fast. I began to talk and flirt and text EVERY guy I knew, thinking surely it must be so. I had been in a 3 year relationship that I broke off in June 2010, I emailed my ex thinking that was going to go somewhere. The thing is, when you scrape the bottom, you find a lot of stuff that was down there for a reason, and all you did was bring it to the surface. Still I felt that biological clock thing ticking in the background. I could hear it with every passing day. It was my LAST year in college, I needed to find a man, I needed to be skinny, and I needed everything to happen all at once. You can't go on forever starving yourself and cat calling men on the street (well some might be able to but after a month I was done). So then, I turned to what I have so often when I feel at my lowest, and it's sad to say that I don't do it more. I prayed. I prayed to God. I know what you're thinking, "you prayed to God to find you a man?". Yeah and trust me, I'm sure it sounded so trivial to God when other people are praying about illness and starvation. I just felt like I would feel calmer if I just prayed. So I prayed to God, I asked him to help lead me to a man or at least to some peace.

 2 weeks later I met a guy who was cute and charming, and living in my hometown 300 miles away. He texted me at first, then we would skype, then he would visit and I would visit him. I fell hard and fast for him. He was so sweet and would drive 4 hours just to spend the weekend with me. I couldn't be happier. He was everything I ever wanted and we had so much in common. Fast forward to May 2011. I finished up my year of practicum and student teaching and was then thrust into the world. Being that the path I had chosen for myself was in the education field needless to say I was searching for a job, had no money, had student loans and I was living with Mom and Dad again. It was like I had never even left. By this time my sister had already announced she was expecting her first child. I'm not proud to say that the green eyed monster reared its ugly head again and for those few months my sweet boyfriend had to deal with my incessant whining and complaining. I found a job in August at a Title 1 school. For those of you who don't know, that means the population of the school and socioeconomic status is very low. I didn't care though, I was so excited! I was bouncing off the walls, Pinterest has just started and you could only join by being invited. I began scouring Pinterest looking for ideas. In my mind I saw a beautiful classroom, with the smell of new school supplies, and big windows! I walked into my classroom and it was like 1970 hit me in the face. I cried. No, not because I was happy to finally have a job and this meant I could be near my honey. No, I cried because this was nothing like the schools I had ever been in. I didn't know schools like this could even exist.

 

 The windowless cinder block classroom had a filthy dirty green carpet. I feel like I can't even do this carpet justice. There are not enough foul adjectives in the English language to tell you how disgusting this carpet was. I had 3 kids vomit on the carpet that year, and that was somehow an improvement. It wasn't like a pale green either...oh no...It was GRASS green. You know the color green from the Crayola box? Yeah, THAT green. The cabinets and cubbies were all metal, and rusted. The rust had been painted over with sunshine yellow and the trim of the cabinets and the cubbies had been painted dirt brown. Well actually the same color as something else brown and gross but for now we will just say "dirt brown". I had a Smart board, 5 computers, which of course moved as fast as a turtle. Then on the walls, did I have a white board, shiny and new? NOPE, I had a green chalkboard. Yes, in 2011, I taught in a classroom and wrote on a chalkboard. I purchased chalk (which is not easy to find unless you want the sidewalk kind). I had students clap the erasers, I had students wash the board to remove the dust daily! My classroom sat in a "pod" or a cluster with 4 other rooms and a common area in the middle. Two bathrooms were on each side of the common area. My classroom of course sat right next to the boy’s bathroom. I don't know how many of you know about little boys, but for some reason, being born with certain equipment makes you feel the need to invent new styles of using the restroom (because the standard way was just lacking some pizazz). Also if you know anything about little boys and grown men in some cases you know that when distracted, or trying out a new "method" of using the restroom, aim is not always at the top of the priority list. When that happens, the bathroom begins to smell like pee. It's like it somehow seeps into every crevice and no matter how much bleach you use, it never quite goes away. Now I'll also have you remember, little boys had been experimenting and testing their restroom theories of peeing for DECADES in this school. So now what did this have to do with my room. Let's just say, when left for a while a very pungent odor would creep back in. I'm pretty sure half my salary that year went to keeping pier one in business buying reed diffusers and scented spray.

 With MANY words of encouragement from both my parents, and my boyfriend the room came to look good. Actually pretty cute. I had a jungle theme, my family spent hours there with me. Cleaning, organizing, and decorating. We shared meals there! Until finally it looked about as great as it could. I found a way to make the green carpet work. and those yellow and brown cabinets? They were Giraffe cabinets now. It was good and my year of teaching flew by. I met some amazing people, amazing teachers, parents and kids.

I still get a little teary-eyed when I think about that first class. They were sweet and off the walls, and so much more than their surroundings.

 My sister and brother in law had their baby. It was a little girl. Her name is Zoe. At first, I was again jealous. I wanted to be there but that faded quickly. I met Zoe for the first time in November. I never knew you could love someone so much just meeting them the first time. Then she only got cuter from there. Her long wavy blonde hair that sparkles in the sun. Her little laugh she does when something is just too funny. The way she sees the world and loves everything about it. It almost feels like my heart smiles when I'm around her. My sister and brother in law at this point had lived in GA but shortly before baby Z came they moved to Cincy. Which was like 10 hours away. There were times I did feel really sad that she was so far away. I love my sister so much, growing up we did everything together. Her husband had gone to high school with us and we all attended the same college. I felt like this is how it would be forever. We would always be near each other. When she had kids I would be there for all the big moments. But as life typically does, it hasn't always worked out that way. Schedules are different, traveling got hard, and before I knew it Zoe was growing up.

October that year I celebrated my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend. Then in December we found out that he was getting out of the Navy. He had been in Charleston, SC as part of his training and he now had an opportunity to go out into the civilian world. We knew this meant more than likely that he would not be staying in Charleston. He looked for jobs and limited his scope to only jobs in the south. Opportunities would come about and the first thing he would do was google how far away it was from me. I knew anything over 8 hours would ultimately mean that we were not going to stay together, despite his optimism that everything would work out. There were a lot of tears and sleepless nights. I had never been with someone I felt this much love for. My parents loved him, I loved him. We had a dog together (well really I got him the dog, but she was just as much mine as she was his). I had my own drawer there, my tooth brush at his place. Finally in March of 2012, he found a job. 200+ miles away. It was in Greenville, SC. We would remain in the same state and about 3 hours away. He moved and I found it hard to concentrate. I remember the weekends were like college again. I would drive the 3 hours every weekend to see him. I would count down every day until I got to see him again. Then finally summer came. I knew I didn't want a year of this. So I told my parents I would be moving to Greenville and teaching up there.

The last day of school I said goodbye to my close friends and my sweet students. I immediately set out to find a new job. I resigned in June of 2012. It was June 29th. On June 30th I got a call from another title 1 school in Greenville asking if I could be interviewed the next day. I packed my bags drove up to see the boyfriend and got ready for my interview. The interview lasted 30 minutes, it was with a panel of 5 very successful women who were administrators at the school. The school was predominately black and Latino. It was small, it had less than 400 students. I walked out of the interview with a job offer which I immediately accepted. A little part of me felt like that school was going to be tough but I pushed those feelings down because I knew a job meant I could stay in Greenville.

 I moved in! It was a cute apartment 1 bedroom, one bathroom but it was all we needed. I was happy to play house and decorate every corner of the place. That weekend my honey and I went back down to Charleston pack up my remaining belongings. We went out to nice dinner and walked around the beautiful downtown Charleston. In front of my favorite fountain he got down on one knee and proposed. I said YES! I was over the moon. I called my family and friends and I couldn't have been happier. Not only did I have a new job, living close to Matt, but I now had a fiancé! My life plans were finally coming together and I felt like I was on top of the world.

 The summer flew by and before I knew it, we had a teacher work day. I was excited to meet my coworkers. I had made so many new friends at my last school and loved them so dearly that I knew for sure this would be great. I arrived at the school and met my team. They took me to my classroom and showed me around. The room was bright, it had tile floor and carpeting but it looked fairly new. It had a white board, and a window in the corner. It was a decent size and I had been promised only to have about 15 students.

 I can remember the moment when everything changed. I innocently asked about art projects (I loved using art in my classroom). I was very abruptly told "Do NOT let the administration catch you doing art, or using crayons. We work from bell to bell here." I was a little taken back. In first grade, the school didn't want us using crayons? We worked the whole day with no brain breaks? Did the school realize they were 6? Then we went to the library to have a faculty meeting. I was introduced and shyly stood up and said a little something about myself. I always feel so awkward in those types of situations. Anyways, the principal then told us this day would be used for planning and handed us a form we would need to fill out. Then we broke up into our grade levels and began "planning". The grade level chair for first grade was not there that day but there were 2 other members. It became very apparent to me that the one person missing, was also the one who did all the work for the grade level. Not to say that these ladies weren't nice, they were very nice, they even offered to go out to lunch with me but by this time I had a knot in my stomach the size of a grape fruit and didn't really feel up to eating or holding a conversation.
So we started on our work, and then I noticed, the principal, looking over everyone's shoulder. When the principal walked around, conversations stopped, people tried to look busy, and body language changed. I had a very uneasy feeling. Then I watched as the principal scolded a colleague and told her to get back to work. We were treated as children, children who couldn't and wouldn't be trusted. I went home that day and I cried. My sweet fiancé did his best to console me. He said maybe it would be okay. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He said if I wanted to I could quit, he would support me and everything would be fine. That's one of the things I love most about him, if there is a problem he will always try his best to fix it. I dried my tears and said no, I had already said I would do this and I wasn't going to quit (that's the thing about me, I can be stubborn). I held out hope that the students would be sweet and I could feel like Ms. Honey from Matilda.

 Summer was coming to a close and every few days my principal would call with some new task I needed to complete. It got so bad, I would quit answering the phone when I saw her calling. I happily continued to plan my wedding in my head, and we even talked about buying a house. So we began looking at houses in Greenville. Finally we found a house we both LOVED. Our first home, it was red and it had a big fenced in backyard. We put an offer in on the house and we waited. 24 hours later I got a call from my principal. Once again I ignored it not feeling up to today's daily dose of disappointment. She left a voicemail and asked that I call her as soon as I could. It seemed urgent so I called her right back. She told me as nicely as she could that enrollment at the school had dropped. They no longer had a position for me. I had lost my job. I was in a sense of panic. What would I do? We were buying a house! Summer was almost over, and I needed a job! The principal said since I had already signed a contract, I was an employee of the district and a place had to be found for me somewhere. So she said she had set up an interview for me at another school. It was in a small town. Kind of an old farming town, although that's not uncommon in the upstate of South Carolina. So I agreed to go and meet the principal. This new principal called me. Her name was Susan and there was something about her voice that just seemed effortlessly sweet. She asked if I could come and meet some of the team at the school that very day. I wasn't sure what this all meant. Would I still have a job? Would they like me? Could this school somehow be any worse than the one I was at already? I made arrangements to meet them that afternoon.

 It all happened so fast I completely forgot to call Matthew. So I picked up the phone, I said "Hi honey, I lost my job today, I'm really worried but I do have another job prospect this afternoon". He was calm as he could be and wished me good luck. I put on my favorite aqua colored dress and my wedges. I hurried off to the new school. When I arrived, it was a cute little school tucked away at the bottom of a mountain. The scenery was beautiful. I remember the whole way up I was praying that this place would be great. I walked in the door and was greeted by the office staff. I sat and waited a moment. It was very nice. The walls had colorful murals painted on them. The office was decorated in a whimsical and colorful fashion. That seemed to welcome both parents and children alike. Then I met the principal. She brought me into her office which was also decorated impeccably. We sat at a table with 2 other women. We just chatted about where I was from and about my teaching experience. She said they had a position in 2nd grade or kindergarten and told me I could have my choice. I chose kindergarten because it seemed "fun". Susan said she thought I would fit in well with the girls down in Kindergarten. We went on to tour the school. It was beautiful, and cute, and there was art work, and windows, there were little fabric signs that directed you to everywhere in the school. There were banners with painted handprints. Children's art work was framed and hung on the walls. The rooms were big, there was an outdoor nature trail. When I returned from the tour, my principal handed me tervis tumbler with the school mascot on it. They also gave me a computer to use and an iPad. I had a few forms to fill out and I was given the numbers of some colleagues in case I had any questions. I thanked them and walked quickly to my car.

I can remember sitting in my car thinking, did this really just happen? Is this really where I will be working? I called Matt on the drive home and as soon as I heard his voice I could feel tears in my eyes. I told him how amazing this school was. I told him how nice everyone was and they appreciated children's artwork. I told him how this felt like where I was supposed to be all along. We both cried. This time it was tears of joy, tears of relief. The school year started and meet the teacher night happened to fall on the same day as our closing on the house. So Matthew went to the closing and I went to meet all my new little kiddies.After it was over I rushed to the new house. Matthew had brought over my things and we had pizza for dinner, sitting on the floor, and we slept on an air mattress that night. I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.

I am still at my lovely little mountain school. I still teach kindergarten and even though it has its ups and downs I still think it's a great place to work. In 2014, almost 2 years to the day that Matthew proposed, I was married in downtown Charleston. Just a few blocks from my favorite fountain. My adorable niece was my flower girl and my sister was my matron of honor. That was one of those days you wish you could play in slow motion forever. I just wanted time to stop moving so fast. I was so nervous before the ceremony I had taken about 3 anti-anxiety pills. When I walked down the aisle and saw everyone I was so happy. When I held Matthew's hand I stopped shaking. He was all I needed. The day went by quickly and we then set off to St. Lucia for our honeymoon. My sister moved that July from Cincy all the way to California. There have been some hurt feelings and we have lost touch in the last 4 months. It makes me sad but I have to remember that I can't control what other people do. I can reach out as much as I want but I can't change others.

And remember our first home that we loved so much? Well we moved. We still live in Greenville but we purchased a beautifully restored 1915 craftsman style home. It has 12' ceilings, original hardwood floors, and a claw foot tub you can swim in. I never dreamed we could have a house or life so beautiful. This will be the home we raise our children in. This is truly our home. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary and although things aren't perfect I have to say they are pretty great. Looking back at those old blog posts, I just want to scream at myself, to just be patient. Because through these last five years I've learned that everything will happen when it's supposed to.

 Now after reading that novel, I'm sure you're thinking, but what does this have to do with weight loss? Well in the last five years I've managed to gain back all the weight I lost, plus more. Life got so busy I forgot to take care of myself. I counted calories a little less, rewarded myself with food and being happy in general just makes you fatter. So after 5 years and almost 30 pounds of weight gain (gosh I hate even saying that). I find myself at the beginning of a new journey. My sister in law (who by the way is perfect and beautiful and doesn't need to lose weight) wants to lose weight and I do too. So we're doing it together. I'll try to be better about updating this. It's not like anyone reads this blog anyways. Maybe I just needed to write this all down to mentally feel ready for this new chapter of my life. So ready or not here we go. Until next time!

 -Mandy